


round and round the roundabout

by marshmallownose



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gwen needs a hug, Multi, Post-Battle of Camlann, Post-Camlann, Post-Canon, gwen and merlin are like the only two people who can help each other post camlann change my mind, i refuse to accept Merlin NEVER returned to Camelot, not heavy romance at all tho, so does Merlin, there’s actually some fluff in this I lied, they need to talk about some things, they’re a little hysterical and it shows, why am i like the only person who kinda ships them too lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 09:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19002760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marshmallownose/pseuds/marshmallownose
Summary: ...and back where you began.





	1. minutes into hours

_same old story; what's the use of tears?_

 

* * *

 

The dying light of the day’s end shone through the colored glass, casting patterns on the stone floors that illuminated just how well worn the floors really were. The Queen stopped, leaning against a wall in an empty corridor and simply looked at the stone.

 

Every person who ever lived in or visited Camelot had helped to wear down the grooves in the floor, a thousand feet carrying a thousand bodies, carrying a thousand individual souls with lives and stories and secrets. Queen Guinevere was only one of those thousand; sometimes the knowledge of that weighed down on her lonely heart until it threatened to bring her to her knees.

 

But every time it nearly did, she remembered that she _was_ Camelot, and if the Queen was to break down and give up, so would the fair kingdom.

 

She pushed herself from the wall and walked on, the stained glass windows now shining their pattern onto the side of her face and body. It had been a long day of meetings and strategic war plannings, and no matter how hard she tried to come to know the hearts behind the faces of her council and court, they would never be as open and complete to her as those who had either gone to rest or simply vanished.

 

Queen Guinevere settled onto the empty bed in her chambers without remembering how she’d gotten there. She’d used up all the will she’d had for the day, and now she could allow herself to be a specter, an empty vessel that symbolized a kingdom—a queendom, now—that had seen the depths of hell and had come out the other side as beautiful as ever but irreversibly altered.

 

Her handmaiden had slipped into the room without the Queen noticing, though Guinevere knew she’d knocked, and now puttered silently around the room, readying the chambers for the night, before approaching the Queen with gentle hands to prepare her for sleep as well.

 

She recalled a night so long ago, that it didn’t feel like anything more than a dream, when the Queen had slipped a nightdress over a young lady, and gave her her sleeping-draught, and hugged her goodnight, because they were friends. There had been chatter and gossip, conversations that the Guinevere would never remember, lost to time.

 

“Is there anything else I can do for you, My Lady?” asked her handmaiden softly, kind eyes imploring.

 

The Queen looked down at herself, noting that she was now wearing her own nightdress. The memory faded. “No, Anna, that will be all,” she replied, dismissing the young woman with a gentle squeeze of the hand. She had been good to her, as Sefa had once been. As she had once been to Morgana. But Anna was not Sefa, nor was she her. She was, in a way, so much better than either Sefa or Guinevere could have ever been.

 

As her handmaiden left and the Queen settled into her bed, she forced herself to think over what needed to be done the next day. _Discussion of taxes, the trade agreement with the East, the overseeing of physician applications..._

 

Gaius had passed two months ago, on the tenth anniversary of... the day that marked the end of one story and began the next. With him died the last of the world as it had once been, and even steadfast Sir Leon and sweet Sir Percival could not make up for how painful the loss of that world had been. Everyone in court knew only two people could soothe the Queen’s wounded heart and tattered soul: one was dead, and the other had vanished like morning mist on a lake.

 

The Queen squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to cry even then, alone in the darkness.

 

_Tomorrow would be another day._

 

* * *

  

_what's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?_


	2. and the hours into years

_someone used to cradle them_

* * *

 

The Queen held back a sigh as the fifth candidate for the Court Physician position fell flat, just as the other four before her.

 

“I’m accomplished in the use of leeches for blood-letting,” the boisterous physician was saying, large bosom puffed out with pride in her craft.

 

Guinevere and Anna shared a glance, grimacing together at the thought of leeches being stuck on any part of their bodies. Her handmaiden hid a laugh behind a dainty cough, no doubt glad to see the Queen was mentally present.

 

Guinevere was glad too, even if by nightfall, she would retreat into herself once more. It took so much energy...it was impossible to move on when she’d never gotten to say goodbye. To any of them.

 

Sobered, the Queen lifted a hand for the woman to quiet. “Thank you, Harriet, that will be all.” Harriet stuttered into disappointed silence, but curtsied low, and left.

 

Sir Leon shifted uncomfortably from her right in the long silence that followed.

 

Guinevere did let loose her sigh then. “Speak your mind, Sir Leon,” she said finally, not looking at him, for fear of knowing what his eyes would say. “You know you needn’t hesitate with me.”

 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the set of his jaw loosen. “Of course, My Lady. It’s just that...you have turned away nearly all our applicants. We are in desperate need of a Court Physician.” He hesitantly shifted from one foot to the other. “I know you miss Gaius,” he continued at last. It was then Guinevere looked into his face. He was so much older now than he had been. “I understand, My Lady, that there is no one who can replace him, but we must be wise.”

 

The Queen searched his gaze and found nothing but concern. “You are right, Sir Leon, of course.” He winced imperceptibly; he still missed the days when she called him simply Leon. She looked away. Those days were long over. “Bring in the next applicant,” the Queen said to the guards, who obediently opened the door for the next physician to enter.

 

A man walked through, cloaked in green with the hood pulled up over his head. His gaze was lowered as he approached the throne, and when he reached the step that separated the Queen from the court he kneeled. Then he looked up.

 

_Time stopped._

 

For a moment, she was at the market, looking into the pale eyes of a brave young boy stuck in the stocks for standing up for someone who couldn’t stand up for himself.

 

 _“Merlin,”_ she breathed, hands beginning to shake from where they rested in her lap. In the back of her mind, she heard Leon draw in a breath, but her entire attention was swallowed up in the man before her.

 

The room held its breath.

 

Merlin smiled grimly, his eyes not twinkling as they had that day in the market, but his eyes nonetheless. “My Lady,” he replied, voice like gravel; like he’d barely spoken for a decade. He did not look much older than he had the last time she saw him, save for the dark scruff along his jaw. In a way, it suited him.

 

The Queen lifted a hand and waved it at the court. “Leave us,” she ordered breathlessly. Leon looked like he wanted to argue, but recognized this was non-negotiable.

 

As those present filed out, The Queen and the warlock stared at each other, unblinking. When everyone was gone, Guinevere rose to her feet and took a shaky step down so she stood directly in front of Merlin. Then, she sunk to her knees and pulled him tight to her body, choking on a sob.

 

His shoulders began to shake and he reached up to cling to her as well, both crying.

 

 _“I tried,”_ he rasped.

 

 _“I know,”_ she whispered.

 

The held each other there on the floor for some time, weeping until every bit of energy they had was gone, and they sat there, breathing heavily as they held each other.

 

Finally, Merlin spoke. “I’m... _so sorry_ it took me this long to come back. After Arthur—“ He cut himself off, pulling back from her as though he were ashamed. “I failed. I failed Arthur, I failed Gaius, I failed you. I failed _everyone_.”

 

The Queen pulled back and looked at his face. His pale skin was blotchy and tear-streaked, and she reached up a hand to cradle his cheek. “Oh, Merlin,” she said. “You did your best. You did, you really did, Merlin.” She was babbling, she was certain; it had been a very long time since she babbled.

 

“I didn’t do enough,” he replied, gaze cast down. “I could have done more if I wasn’t so afraid of...” He trailed off, biting his lip.

 

Guinevere took another shaky breath. She knew what he meant. “Of revealing yourself as a sorcerer?”

 

Merlin’s head snapped up, eyes wide. The Queen shook her head. She’d had so long to accept it. It made sense. While no new laws had been passed, she refused to further encroach on magical peoples. They were safe. _Safe,_ thanks to Merlin. “Gaius told me all I needed to know...I guessed so myself. You are safe here, Merlin; you have always been safe here.”

 

Merlin trembled involuntarily but did not say anything more. Everything that needed to be said on the matter had been said. “Gaius,” he finally said, another sob threatening to throttle him. “I regret...”

 

The Queen shook her head, grasping his arms and guiding the both of them to their feet. She felt lightheaded, and her traitorous mind was tugging at her consciousness to slip away into the welcome, protective oblivion she’d been living in since the day Arthur was announced dead, but she had always been a lover and a confidant, and _Hell be damned_ if she wasn’t going to be there for the man before her. “He understood,” she said definitively. “He loved you, and he understood.”

 

She did not tell him that the only supper Gaius had made for the past decade had been Merlin’s favorite. What good would that have done?

 

Merlin looked down and nodded. “I know,” he said. “I know. Arthur...he loved you so much, Gwen.”

 

“I know,” she said, voice catching in her throat. She brought her forehead to his. “He loved you, too,” she replied, because it was true.

 

“I know,” said Merlin. “I’m waiting for him.”

 

She didn’t know what that meant, but who was she to question him?  _You’re the Queen,_ came the voice at the edge of her thoughts. Somehow, though, she didn’t feel like the Queen. With the return of her friend—her dearest, _favorite_ friend—she felt young and free.

 

“It has...” she trailed off. “It has been a long time since anyone called me _Gwen,”_ Gwen said.

 

“I didn’t mean to offend you, My Lady,” Merlin mumbled quickly. He’d always been more respectful to her than he’d been to Arthur. It never quite felt right.

 

“I missed it,” she said after a long moment. “Being Gwen and Merlin.”

 

Merlin looked up again at her, eyes searching. He seemed to find what he was looking for. “Me too,” he said, the corners of his mouth twitching nostalgically.

 

It was such a wonderful sight, that she could not help but blurt out, “I loved you once.”

 

Merlin blinked, for the first time in a long time looking taken aback. “You...”

 

Gwen couldn’t stop herself, so overcome. “I was so hopelessly in love with you back then. Morgana thought it was so charming, and she tried so _hard_ to set us up, and even _Arthur_ knew I was hopelessly taken with you, did you know that? You were so _dense_ back then!” She was crying again, but she was laughing too, and so was Merlin. They must have been quite the sight. “Everyone knew except for _you!”_

 

Merlin reaches out and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I did too, in a way, I think,” he said. “I was just so busy trying to protect Arthur from every threat that seemed to seek him out..." He paused, just taking her in. "You’re brilliant, Gwen. I missed you so much.”

 

Gwen was feeling so many things right then, she thought she might burst. She suspected he was too. “I’m so glad you’re back. I needed you.”

 

Merlin bit his lip, shuffling his feet about in a way so familiar, Gwen nearly began to sob again. “Does this mean I get the job?”

 

She blinked. “What?”

 

“Of Court Physician? That was... I wanted to make Gaius proud.”

 

“Oh. _Oh!”_ Gwen exclaimed, reaching out to smack his arm as if no time had passed. “Of course! Of course.”

 

They both began to laugh again, almost hysterically. There was a hesitant knock at the door.

 

 _“My Lady?”_ came the muffled voice of Sir Leon through the heavy wooden doors. _“Is everything alright in there?”_

 

 _“Yes!_ Oh, yes, Leon!” she managed to splutter through her very unqueenly giggles. “Go fetch Percival! And Mary! And George! And _everyone!”_ Gwen looked up at Merlin and planted her hands firmly on his shoulders. “We are to have a feast! To welcome home a friend and new Court Physician!” Leaning closer, she whispered so only Merlin could hear, “And to finally say goodbye to the friends we've lost.”

 

Merlin looked as though he wanted to say something but simply shook his head again. Gwen wasn’t offended.

 

Some secrets were important enough to keep; she understood that now.

 

 

* * *

 

  _and kiss them when they cried._

 

**Author's Note:**

> title and song lyrics from "Turning" from Les Miserables


End file.
